Eggs

I struggled to fry some eggs this morning. Not in a “aww fuck it I broke a yolk” way but in a “this simple task is absolutely fucking my brain” kind of way. What’s worse is I woke up like this. There was no reason to feel off but there I am staring at a frying pan like I’m about to wrestle an angry hoard, trying not to cry about some eggs. 

My path way to crazy is usually pretty easy to recognise. Things stack up a little at a time, the rampant over thinking starts and the kill switch in my brain ultimately kicks in. Tears or shouting usually follow. The final outcome is a nap and general sense of exhaustion and feeling that I can’t keep going through this. On good days I can avert disaster by not interacting with people. I used to wonder at the advice on mental health websites saying people often don’t respond to messages when their health has taken a dive. How hard can it be. And I realise – it is hard, doing a good human in the face, or screen, of other humans.  Them “How are things”, Me “I having gaping wound in my soul and I can’t put toothpaste on my toothbrush but otherwise – I’m fine”. It’s not good humaning. 

Lack of sleep is also a factor. When I was at my worse I was averaging about 4 hours solid sleep a night. The rest of the time was punctuated by reading books I’d read a thousand times, smoking or silently crying in the dark. I now live with a vague fear of not sleeping. There is a stash of dodgy sleeping pills by the bed for just such an occasion but I feel like these small white tablets judge me. Taking them is a failure of resolve for me. Also they make your mouth taste like a badger has shat in it while you’re asleep. 

Trying to do much also comes with a health warning. I’m still not entirely comfortable with having any “me” time but therapy lady was very keen that I learn to switch off. I can stack jobs up, planned with meticulous precision to make sure I do ALL the things but apparently that’s not good for me so today I only had to do some doggo things and then…well…nothing. I suspect free time worries me as it’s a chance to be alone with my thoughts but I kind of regard my own thoughts like a creepy guy at work that I would like to spend as little time alone with as possible.  

Today though, none of these things were a problem. A blissfully silent message box, a relatively good night sleep, with the exception of a tap dancing dog at 2am and a relatively empty day. So why the egg related hysteria? The frustrating part is that I honestly don’t know and the reality is that not knowing doesn’t help. At this exact point I’ve stalled, trapped in a deck chair when I HAVE to find a solution to the problem otherwise my brain will continue to whirr incessantly. I feel weird and queasy but I want to function. Any minute now, honestly I will function.